THE END OF THE END

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

There was no hurry to rush out of the apartment; Yelana did not need us at the passport office. Pippa worked on her computer, the children slept very late (Olya doesn’t go to bed until long after midnight; Andry watches the TV in his bedroom until after one).

When Olya got up and had finished eating her “ducks”, her favorite Ukrainian cereal, I asked if she would like to take a walk with me. She said in her usual cheerful, “Sure”.

The three of us, me, Olya and “little Pippa”, one of her five American Girl dolls, this one named after her mother, sauntered out and took the fifteen minute walk to the mini market next to McDonald’s. “Little Pippa” pushed the elevator buzzer on the way down.

Walking with Olya is always a joy. We chat about nothing and everything. She tells funny stories and tells them in a funny way. There are still gaps in her English and some words are used in, shall we say, an interesting way. She bounces along instead of walking.

We couldn’t find what we wanted in the mini market so we went next door to McDonalds. Olya doesn’t like the food there, neither does Pippa nor do I. But Andry does, so we ordered him a couple of big Mac’s. A lot of confusion. English is not understood, neither is finger-pointing at the big pictures on the wall. I took whatever they wanted to give me and paid probably thirty dollars for three cheeseburgers and two orders of fries. Whatever.

Olya and I ate a couple of the tiny tubs of fries on the way back. I must admit they taste good even if they do take a year off my life.

Andry, who had just gotten up (1pm or so) was happy with the cheeseburger.

Pippa heard from Yelena. No news. Bad news. It seemed doubtful we’d make our deadline. I began immediately to try to think of alternatives. Since there are no seats to be had on any flights after Saturday, we could be in Kiev for a lot longer. I needed to think of anything to keep us from staying in Kiev for another week.

How could we deal with Andry and his roller coaster moods here? We must change the environment and get him to Miami where he can start his new life instead of this holding pattern. The reality of dealing with the uncertainty of this environment, calls from Maria and Nikolai, seemed now unbearable to me. I feel like an animal caught in a trap ready to gnaw my paw off to get out. I’m sure Pippa and the kids feel the same.

And then, as if a thunderbolt hit me, an overwhelming depression came onto me; it was not gradual, as often these kinds of things begin. But sudden, immediate, and very strong.

I can’t remember much about the rest of the day. Andry made me a bead bracelet; I worked on the computer. But, my brain was fried. I went to bed.

Pippa interrupting now: While Ron and Olya went for a walk I stayed at the apartment to let Andry sleep longer. I’ve read teenagers need more sleep than adults or even children. During stressful times the body also requires more sleep. With all the anxiety this never-ending-adoption is causing all of us, I expected Andry to sleep like Rumpelstiltskin.

At about 1:00 Andry woke up. As he walked out of his bedroom I gave him a cheerful, “Good morning.” In return he gave me the kind of glare you give a suspicious looking stranger and he walked to the bathroom. When he came out I patted the sofa next to me and asked him to come sit with me. He ignored me and walked to his room and closed the door.

As much as my feelings were hurt, I also knew that for him to be snarling at me, he also had to be in pain, though I had no idea why. I went to his room and firmly asked him again to come sit next to me on the sofa. I explained that when I ask him to do something he must do what I ask. At heart he is not a defiant boy. He willingly joined me on the sofa.

Andry was able to explain that he was upset because I had not waked him up this morning. I just can’t win! If I wake him up he wants to sleep late. If I let him sleep he wants me to wake him. I understood that it was more than not being waked up; he felt left out.

I was actually glad for this issue that thankfully had a quick resolution. It gave me the chance to reinforce again that Ron and I will only do good things for him; that we want him to be happy. I explained that I was being nice to him when I let him sleep late. He immediately relaxed.

I was impressed with how Andry had opened up and explained what was bothering him and how quickly his anger toward me disappeared. The misunderstanding had hopefully allowed us to learn how to work together through a problem.

I wanted to extend this synergy and do something fun together. I remembered the beads my mother had left so the children could make jewelry. Andry strung beads on a leather thong making a bracelet for himself. Then he made a more feminine version for me. Ron and Olya came home and he made bracelets for both of them; a very masculine one for Ron and danty bracelet for Olya. I know if a psychologist had been watching she would have scribbled in her notebook that our family was making progress.

Back to Ron: I didn’t watch TV. I’ve read every book we brought and I was unsuccessful in finding books in English in Kiev. Actually, I’ve read the books I bought from home––back to front as well, as I sometimes do.

I didn’t want to read. I’d had it. I just lay there.

I was like the marathon runner who gets within sight of the tape, but collapses, unable to make the last fifty yards.

I’d felt this coming on a week or so ago. But shook it off. I had been, I think, at the edge of the emotional cliff, but Pippa unknowingly pulled me back.

I recalled the moment. I was in the bedroom and she came in and gave me a simple hug that lasted several minutes. But it was a courage transfusion to me.

For all this time in Ukraine, what was supposed to be four weeks has turned into seven, we’ve been focused on the children with little energy left over for each other. If we had a moment without the children, it was purely accidental, as two land-tortoises might bump one another, if their pen was small enough or the fog thick enough.

However, this day was different. I was drained of any stamina. I knew I would go through the motions and do whatever needed to be done. But my heart wasn’t in it. Which one of the characters in the Wizard of Oz movie was looking for a heart? I can’t remember, but whoever it was, is ME.

Sometime later, Pippa came in and told me, “We can get Andry’s passport at noon tomorrow! Whoopee! (Pippa does really say, “whoopee).

That got me on my feet. I took a shower. I don’t recall what I or anyone else did for a few hours after that.

Yelena and Vasilly showed up. We made plans for the next day.

Yelena said Maria called and asked to see the children one last time.

We had Yelena ask Andry if he wanted to see them. He said emphatically, “No.”

We told Yelena to tell Maria that Andry did not want to see Nikolai again.

They dropped us off at Yakatoriya. It has become the children’s favorite restaurant. Olya still wants borsch everywhere we go, but she seems to have tired of vereneky with cherries. She loves the chicken wings at Yakatoriya

We walked home, about a twenty-minute pleasant walk using the short cuts we’ve discovered.

I didn’t stay up long. I watched a disturbing Hallmark, fell asleep.

Hopefully tomorrow is a big day – passport day.